Great and Terrible Outtakes
by LunaEquus
Summary: What if the actors for the AGATB movie were actually the characters themselves?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Some of the dialogue is Libba Bray's, some is mine. It doesn't take a genius to figure out who's is who's.**

**This is just something my friend and I came up with. It's out of order and not consistent, and who knows when I'll update, but I thought it's be a good idea to post it. Enjoy! **

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**Dancing scene, Take 1**

Kartik: (_looking adoringly at G)_ Gemma, there is something I need to tell you…

Gemma: (_breaks away holding herself)_

Kartik: (_concerned) _Are you all right?

Gemma: (_nodding) _The cold. Perhaps I should be getting back.

Kartik: But first I need to tell you –

Gemma: There's so much to do.

Kartik: (_hurt face, hands blade)_ Well then, don't forget your gift.

_(hands touch, K kisses G)_

Gemma: (_breaks away)_ Please don't.

Kartik: _(looking wounded)_ It's because I'm Black, isn't it?

Gemma: _(stares)_

_(both burst out laughing)_

Director: CUT!

Kartik: Word, yo.

**Dancing scene, Take 2**

Kartik: (_looking adoringly at G)_ Gemma, there is something I need to tell you…

Gemma: (_breaks away holding herself)_

Kartik: (_concerned) _Are you all right?

Gemma: (_nodding) _The cold. Perhaps I should be getting back.

Kartik: But first I need to tell you –

Gemma: There's so much to do.

Kartik: (_hurt face, hands blade)_ Well then, don't forget your gift.

_(hands touch, K kisses G)_

Gemma: (_breaks away)_ Please don't.

Kartik: _(looking wounded)_ It's because I am Indian, isn't it?

Gemma: Of course not, I don't even think of you as Black.

Kartik: _(trying to keep a straight face) _Well that's good, isn't it, as I'm Indian.

Gemma: _(realizes her mistake)_ Oh!

Director: CUT! Can someone get these kids some help with their lines?

**Dancing scene, Take 3**

Director: Okay, you two, CLEAR YOUR HEAD of the word 'black'.

Kartik: _(getting powder-puffed)_ Right. Will do.

Gemma: _(sipping mineral water)_ Ditto.

Director: Okay, resume dancing scene and ROLLING!

Kartik: (_looking adoringly at G)_ Gemma, there is something I need to tell you…

Gemma: (_breaks away holding herself)_

Kartik: (_concerned) _Are you all right?

Gemma: (_nodding) _The cold. Perhaps I should be getting back.

Kartik: But first I need to tell you –

Gemma: There's so much to do.

Kartik: (_hurt face, hands blade)_ Well then, don't forget your gift.

_(hands touch, K kisses G)_

Gemma: (_breaks away)_ Please don't.

Kartik: _(looking wounded)_ It's because I'm Brown, isn't it?

Gemma: _(grinning)_ Yes, Kartik, it's because you are Brown.

Kartik: _(exaggerates being offended)_ You trollop!

Director: _(throws script in the air)_ Alright, let's break for lunch.

Kartik: _(to Gemma)_ At least I got the right race this time.

Gemma: Yeah, I don't see what the problem is. Wanna order sushi?

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**Gypsy Camp Kiss scene, Take 1**

Director: _(explaining to G and K)_ Okay, BigNose is going to grab Gemma's wrist. Gemma, I want you to look panicked and flushed. You are going to kiss Kartik without warning, okay? Just a quick little kiss, but it'll be real cinematic. Kartik, you're going to freeze for a sec, then kiss her back, okay? As soon as he does that, you're gonna break away and look embarrassed, okay Gem?

Gemma: _(nodding)_ Got it.

Director: Kartik?

Kartik: Gotcha.

Director: Okay, let's get this show on the road.

BigNose: _(grabs G)_ How do we know she's yours? She does not seem so willing. Perhaps she will come with me instead.

Gypsies: _(laugher and suspicion)_

Gemma: _(kisses K)_

Kartik: _(kisses back)_

Ann: _(pushes G out of the way)_ MY TURN!

Gemma: _(looking incredulous)_ ANN?

Director: _(rips hat off head)_ Oh, what is this madness?! Get her off the set!

Ann: _(protesting) _But I thought I'd be the heroic one! Gemma is so clichéd!

Gemma: That's because I'm the heroine, Bradshaw!

**Gypsy Camp Kiss scene, Take 2**

Director: Ready to try again?

_(K and G nod frantically)_

Director: Okay, make it believable. And, rolling!

BigNose: _(grabs G)_ How do we know she's yours? She does not seem so willing. Perhaps she will come with me instead.

Gypsies: _(laugher and suspicion)_

Gemma: _(kisses K)_

Kartik: _(kisses back)_

Gemma: _(keeps on kissing)_

Kartik: _(wraps his arms around G)_

Gemma: _(does the Princess Diaries foot popping thing)_

Director: CUT!

_(K and G keep sucking face)_

Director: Hey! You two! Stop kissing!

_(K and G pay no mind)_

Director: Someone get the hose…

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**K Behind the Screen, Take 1**

Director: Okay Kartik, you're going to watching Gemma surreptitiously from behind the screen. You're going to announce your presence at first, but curiosity gets the best of you. So just act like you're _actually _spying on a girl in her room. Comprende?

Kartik: Right. Pretend to spy. Got it.

Director: Now Gemma, you're going to enter your room all shaken up and nervous. Commence undressing and talking to the mirror. You know your lines?

Gemma: Yup.

Director: Good. Kartik, get in position and…rolling!

Gemma: _(enters room and starts undressing, obviously shaken)_

Kartik: _(jumps out from behind dressing screen)_ OOGADEEBOOGADEEBOO!!!

Gemma: _(screams and falls over)_

Director: CUT! _(smacks K in back of head)_ What the HELL is the matter with you?

Kartik: _(eyes tearing from laughing so hard)_ You told me to act as if I was actually spying on a girl in her room. Seemed like a pretty good idea at the time.

Director: Idiot! You're a teenage boy! You're supposed to watch her, awestricken, as she takes off her clothes and tests her expressions. You want to watch her, not get CAUGHT!

Kartik: _(ponders)_ I guess you're right.

Director: You're damn right I'm right. I'm your boss. _(looks at G, humiliated and upset) _And someone get her back into costume!

**K Behind the Screen, Take 2**

Gemma: _(enters room and starts undressing, obviously shaken)_

Kartik: _(makes to greet her, but stops)_

Gemma: _(pulls at her corset strings teasingly, bats her eyelashes and shakes her bum in the direction of the screen)_

Kartik: _(silence, presumed drooling)_

Gemma: _(sits provocatively on chair, leaning backwards to give K good view of décolletage)_

Kartik: _(strangled cry)_ No fair! You don't call cut when she messes things up!

Director: Cut! _(Looks K up and down) _Jesus boy, go take a cold shower!

**K Behind the Screen, Take 3**

Gemma: _(enters room and starts undressing, obviously shaken)_

Kartik: _(makes to greet her, but stops)_

Gemma: _(sits down and tests expressions)_ Excuse me, I don't believe we've met. I am… _(pinches cheeks and growls)_ Who is it that roams my woods so freely? Speak your name. Speak!

Kartik: I am Ithal!

Director: _(fumes) _You're useless.

Gemma: _(angry)_ Kartik! You're ruining everything!

Kartik: _(brushes her off)_ That's bollocks, Gem. Anyway, I'm late for my mineral wrap.

Gemma: No fair! I couldn't get an appointment until Thursday!

**Haha Kartik's turning into a diva! Or shall I say divo? Don't mind me, I actually think I'm clever.**

**Riiiiiiight,  
LunaEquus**

**Review! Give me ideas and I shall certainly write them! This can be interactive! Reviewing can be your way of making requests. I'm like the DJ of Spence University's first dance or something. Want to see Ithal breakdancing to guido trance? Or Gemma and Kartik grinding to some Daddy Yankee? Ann bellydancing to Shakira? What the hell am I talking about, that's what I personally would like to know.**


	2. Chapter 2

** I needed to write something funny after all that angst. Plus, my best friend's moving to Chicago tomorrow and I'm depressed.  
**

**Church Scene, Take 1**

Director: Okay Kartik, stand by while your stunt double leaps over Gemma's head, then you jump in and continue the scene.

Kartik: _(seething) _You're mad! I do ALL my own stunts. Didn't my agent tell you that?

Director: _(rolls eyes) _Yes, I'm aware of that. But we don't want to take any chances of you getting hurt. That's where the stunt double comes in.

Kartik: No way! I want to do my own stunts! I'm no wimp!

Director: _(talking slowly, as if K is a child) _Stunts are not in your contract. Do you want to be computer animated for the rest of the films?

Kartik: _(grumbling) _No.

Director: Good. Roll cameras.

_(Gemma runs up the aisle to the altar, trips on step, starts crawling, gets up and runs for door…)_

Kartik: _(pushes stunt double out of the way, jumps and grabs rafter, swings himself…) _Ahh, fck!

_(loud crash, K falls on G)_

Gemma: _(scrambling to get out from underneath K) _OW! What the hell? Get off, get off, get off! _(slaps at K)_

Director: Are you kidding me? Are you fcking KIDDING me?

**Church Scene, Take 2**

Director: Say it again.

Kartik: _(holding ice pack to his forehead and groaning) _I will not interfere with my stunt double.

Director: And apologize to our leading lady.

Kartik: _(sheepishly) _I'm sorry, Gemma.

Gemma: _(glares daggers as stylist covers up her bruises)_

Director: Good enough. Let's get the stunt double at the ready.

Stunt Double: _(walks in. Is Sanjaya)_

Kartik: _(throws ice pack) _No. Absolutely not. I quit. (_Walks off set)_

Director: _(sighs) _Someone get me Pixar on the phone. We need an animator or a miracle.

Gemma: _(lower lip trembling) _Kartik?

**Skinny-dipping scene, Take 1**

Pippa: Did you hear that?

Gemma: _(in lake)_ Hear what?

_(branches snap)_

Pippa: There it is again! Did you hear it?

Ann: Criminy.

Pippa: Our clothes! _(scrambles out of water)_

_(K steps out of trees with cricket bat. P keeps running. Crashes into K)_

Kartik: _(doubled over) _Jesus, woman! What in the hell is your problem? _(rubs at his stomach) _Fck! That really hurt!

Director: Cut! Honestly Pippa, what was that about?

Pippa: I – I was really scared! I swear. I'm sorry. I swear. I didn't mean to run into him. I swear.

**Skinny-dipping scene, Take 2**

Pippa: Did you hear that?

Gemma: _(in lake)_ Hear what?

_(branches snap)_

Pippa: There it is again! Did you hear it?

Ann: Criminy.

Pippa: Our clothes! _(scrambles out of water)_

_(K steps out of trees with cricket bat. Holds cricket bat as to hit P with it)_

Kartik: Don't come any closer, woman. I swear to you I'll use this thing.

Pippa: _(agitated) _You know, I actually stopped that time. And if you weren't so immature, we could be done with this scene already.

Kartik: Well if you weren't such a bulldozer, I wouldn't feel so threatened. So there.

Director: _(walks to refreshments table muttering about spoiled rich brats.)_

**Carriage to Opera Scene, Take 1**

Butler: The carriage has been brought round, sir.

_(Doyles walk to carriage. K stares as if G is an angel)_

Kartik: _(in Borat voice) _Wowuweewa… I liiiiiike!

_(everyone stares)_

Director: _(grabs K and shakes him) _Do you purposely want to mess up every scene? Do you?!!

Kartik: _(sniffs snobbishly) _It's artistic license. I was merely making the character my own.

Director: You're more trouble than you're worth.

**Carriage to Opera Scene, Take 2**

Butler: The carriage has been brought round, sir.

_(Doyles walk to carriage. K stares as if G is an angel)_

Tom: The door, Mr. Karrot, if you please.

Gemma: Oh dear.

Kartik: What? Is that some sort of racist remark? Are you saying I'm orange? _(points at Tom) _Discrimination in the work place! Unnacceptable!

Tom: What? I made a mistake. I was thinking about carrots. I'm not calling you orange. How is that racist anyway?

Kartik: You've always had it out for me.

Tom: Of course I have. You're boning my sister more than her corset!

Gemma: _(makes noise like wounded animal)_

_(everyone stares.)_

Tom: _(realizes who is present) _Of course I am just saying that to make a point. My sister would never have _(shudders) _intercourse with an Indian. Erm, yes, that's it. I was only joking.

Kartik: _(points again) _See?! Racism! He should be forced to go to that "equality in the workplace" workshop.

Director: _(takes a smoke break, muttering something about horny, spoiled, rich kids)_

**Hehehehe. There will be more of the girls in the futureI think. Yes. I swear. xD**

**I've told no one about my new tattoo yet,  
LunaEquus**

**(I couldn't get the hoofprints on my foot because it wouldn't heal in time for work, so I got a purple, 4-pointed twinkley star on the back of my neck!)**_  
_


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